Untitled Poem

this poem is featured in the bluestockings spring 2014 zine (to be released soon!)

first:
on watching marvin gaye die

i longed to love to marvin gaye
but drunk, my fingers couldn’t play
the music this boy asked me to;
i told him no, i wouldn’t do! !
that unknown thing his body craved, the urge that led him as he preyed
on fingers too confused to play
the timeless sounds of marvin gaye night closed in as he came close
with stabbing pain i’d never known!
as marv died in my arms that night,! bullets turning love to fright
and marvin never leaves my mind
in dreams, awake, in empty time
he laughs and jeers then dies again, replays the strange, dark moment when i saw with my own hazel eyes
my favorite singer’s sad demise

on realizing

when i think of the rape
that shaded my winter
my whole body aches,
my heart breaks, bleeds, blisters, the raw, sad, strained sounds

i formed in that night
in my body resound
and my mind can’t take flight
from the word of that man
who said i was strong
as i feel all his hands
that did not belong
on my body and mind all these wintery months as i melt in confusion to water and dust

first, again: on seeking

i found kindness to ease the heavy aches and mask the throbbing pain of rape
but kindness fled with the end of morning as mourning replaced my night’s adoring coldness killed any hope of friendship

as kisses died with sealed, hard, cold lips

on becoming

i remember asking you to pin me down
and you, my body rushing, complied
i remember the train taking me out of town
and the crisp, empowering wind outside
i remember feeling fresh, anew
thinking of me, hardly of you
i thought i could be this new person alone,
not knowing your surname, your love, your phone but you, with your brisk, dismissive “excuse me” have managed to completely, wholly undo me

finding sense in firsts: on battling, again

His conquest, uncompleted,
led to the tear
it tears over and over again when i’m alone
and the weight of everything feels like that one tear
as the tear turns into tears that stream down
etching tears into my soft skin, remnants of all the tears i’ve cried

His conquest, completed
led to the change
the change that tears me down, empowers me mystifies me, beautifies me
haunts me, consoles me,
colors every understanding

i always fancied myself a cumulus;
now i see cumulonimbus reflected,
saturated with memories and premonitions of tears my eyes are on guard, my mind on edge
i admire my eyes’ readiness,
minutemen battling unknowable foes
armed with storms of overwhelming sadness

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