Dear BS Advice, I’m an Asian queer male, and as someone who is aware of my race I’m totally fucking confused as to whether or not I should label queer white men who concentrate in East Asian studies and find me attractive as fetishists. Do I accept their advances or is that giving into my stereotyped submissive role in their possibly unconscious imperialistic fantasies?
Dear Hottie With Pause,
First things first, I am 100% sure you are attractive whether or not white men, festishists or not, concur. Moving forward, it is entirely up to you if you want to give him the B of the D. But since you asked me, I’m gunna have to recommend an informed approach to decision-making, even for matters of heart and flesh!
The reality is that white men control the market (if you somehow weren’t already aware of this, read the OKCupid Stats on the dating realm). As far as I’m concerned, you are in a position to engage in a bit of phishing on a case by case basis. Do your research: Do they only date East Asians? Or the alternative, are they looking to “just try something new.” Either way, these may be some reasons to put up caution lights. The key is to keep an eye out for red flags early in the game.
More considerations: Does he expect you to perform lots of favors (sexual or otherwise)? Does he expect you to have specific experiences or “culture” (even if you’ve diaspora’d)? Still not sure, throw out some bait, and see if he bites. Worst case scenario, he fails to answer your trick question correctly, hook line and sinker, and then you peace the fuck out.
Or, you could just talk him about it. Let me put it his way, if you are someone who is super aware of the sexualized dimensions of race, isn’t it important to you that your partner(s) are as well?
Besides worrying about outright fetishists, there’s also the sticky territory of dating a white person who holds onto a colorblind fantasy and doesn’t want to acknowledge or talk about difference. Ignoring difference (re: colorblind) is just as bad as sensationalizing difference (re: fetishist) in many ways.
If this person is not, in fact, a fetishist and legitimately interested in you (and thus legitimately interested in listening to you and your concerns as a poc) they won’t shy away from this conversation. Hell, it will very well be the first of many.
Dear BS Advice,
Why am I lonely?
Dear One More Lonely Phe,
Ooof! You, me and the rest of us. There are neverending reasons to be lonely. We inhabit this sphere of cosmic material that’s shooting through the galaxy. We live in poorly designed cities that don’t facilitate community or human interaction. We attend schools that foster competitiveness and feast on the ego. We infinitely scroll through information on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter of a world happening around us while we remain still. We are taught that the only relationships that matter are heterosexual, monogamous, and long-term. We are taught to see ourselves only in comparison to others, but we are also taught that dependence on others is weak. So basically you’re not alone in this. These structures are all breeding grounds of loneliness.
In this dystopian capitalist global economy, it is all too easy to pretend we’re independent. But really that’s a myth. Interdependence is a fact of life, and that’s probably what you are noticing.
Wasting away on Tinder or OkCupid can relieve feeling of loneliness for brief moments. But then you have to remember that these people are really not in your life. Focus first on the people closest to you, there’s so much to learn from those relationships if you are open to being vulnerable and being moved by others.
Spend time connecting with people you already really love and try to avoid throwing random energy towards people you covet to spend time but haven’t made time for you. Being around a bunch of people all the time just for the sake of being around people often doesn’t help with loneliness. What you are craving is human connection. In my book, that translates to quality over quantity.
*Non-professional advice guaranteed to be better than Yahoo Answers.*