bloody thoughts

cw: sexual assault

i’m lying (in bed)
feeling a weight // like a weight
my body – a flickering bulb
energy drains out
as if electricity were liquid
dripping from my veins
crackling, sizzling
like broken circuits

Should I turn off the lights?

i’m bleeding
cotton inside catches some of it
thoughts stream out of open wounds
landing in droplets on the floor
recall: as a kid wondering if i was always bleeding
just hadn’t skinned my knees yet
blood waited ready beneath
scabs itched to be picked

Are you bleeding?

this is probably all my fault
skipping placebo pills
trying to outrun the biological clock
concept: sci-fi film in which body rebels against brain
hormonal uprising (?)
i want to scream at:
–   mother nature from tampax commercials
–   catholic school sex ed teacher
–   nurse at health services
–   men staring at me
–   myself
should i take another advil?
i think it’s hard on your liver
like alcohol

Sorry I’m so drunk.

recall: psych class
how trauma works in feedback loops
biological // psychological // social
i laugh at etymology of hysteria (wandering uterus)
wonder what’s pounding on my temples
what’s filling the bags under my eyes
can i not sleep because of nightmares
or is it lack of sleep hurting my brain?
remember: correlation does not imply causation
(or something like that)

C’mon baby you’re fine.

question: is this what descartes meant by mind // body dualism?
partitioning of pink matter
potential sources of error
sorry, I’m closed for maintenance!
this machine isn’t working!
it’s leaking!
due to excessive estrogen,
intensified lip biting,
deepened scratches of fingernails,
lack of adequate lubrication…
i believe, for a moment, my silence can mend this pain

Does this hurt?

i’ve only tried to protect my body
with brown skin + curly hair
statistically I am at greater risk for _______.
i was meant to be discarded by the system
shattered on the street
this body should not exist
i am a glitch
i am soft
i am beautiful
i am lucky to be wanted // touched
i ache from sitting up straight
bending my body to this matrix
to the grip of his arms
the negative space in his gaze

You’re so hot.

You’re so exotic.

I’ve never gotten with a ____ girl before.

i’ve started to feel like a stranger in my own body
because of all the strangers i’ve let in
they enter my room late at night
stepping out of doors i’ve kept closed inside
their memories take turns on my body
wonder: how many freshmen girls laid in this bed before me?

I want you so bad.

i can’t control my own body
she won’t listen
she scares me sometimes
gaps in my psyche link with holes in my anatomy
pounding, suffocating…

Do you like being choked?

symbolism: an internal reflection of the external world?
she confuses violence and desire
oppression and freedom
i don’t want my body anymore
so i let him have it
recall: he didn’t ask

*silence*

i never consented to the
– bleeding
– bruising between thighs
– skin color (both tender violet and imaginary Black)
– dysfunctional feminine wiles
– objectification // necrophilia
realization: i’m not your doll. i’m not your doll. i’m not your doll. I’m not

You’re my dream girl.

~ fantasy: i wish my body existed in
tumblr gifs and snapchat filters
magazine skin, pixelated flesh
glossy, pearly, electronic, ethereal ~
but, the body cannot ask for consent
pain infuses with pleasure
pumping from heart through veins
her strange, new form of crying
as malfunctioning tear ducts self-repair
blood // energy // soul flowing down and out of us
this is catharsis
this is release
relief
freedom
orgasm _____________________________.
lie: i am fine

Did you finish?

maybe this is all just pms
i think there’s a dsm-v diagnosis for that now

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